Proceed with The Confidence of A Mediocre White Man

Do you want that raise?
Do you feel like your boss
isn’t giving you the praise you deserve?
Are you unheard and unappreciated?
Have you berated yourself for not speaking up?
Have your dreams been shut by slamming doors?
Well look no more!
All you need is a simple change in mentality,
and this surefire plan:
to proceed with the confidence
of a mediocre white man.

Not qualified for this position?
Who are you kidding,
you’re qualified for everything!
Who cares if you can’t sing
or play an instrument
you’re not meant to be in the band
but to land the role of director
so hold your head erect for
the job is as good as yours!

Roll out of bed
like the red carpet is rolled out for you
it’s your Oscars debut!
Never mind that you can’t act
that’s a minor fact,
a clerical error,
besides, no one would dare
to challenge your worth,
you’ve been destined for greatness since birth.

Don’t just tell yourself that you deserve
this raise this job this pay this office
but walk with the authority
that it’s already yours.
The world is your muthafuckin oyster after all
and it’s all a matter of choice
handed to you on a silver platter.

Pull into that parking space sideways
throw your keys in the direction of the valet
block the intersection
hold up traffic
tick off the masses
because your ass doesn’t stink.
Tell people exactly what you think,
even if you have to cut them off,
because it’s your right to talk,
you have the right of way always.
Tell women to display a smile
pile on compliments and advice
even when it’s not asked for,
especially when it’s not asked for.
Tip poorly,
surely they’ll be grateful for your loose change,
you’re such a saint!
See that line?
You don’t have time for that!
Just act as if you don’t see it
and proceed right to the front
no one will confront you anyway.
Treat every day
like it’s your birthday,
this is the day that the Lord has made
and it was made for you!
So have your cake,
and eat it too.

So you see, you don’t need
to have it all figured out,
you just need to push down your doubts,
and even when shit hits the fan,
proceed with the confidence
of a mediocre white man.

Hiring-Great-Candidate.jpg
Image courtesy of Precision Recruiters

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