For You

I have never been one
to look at the glass as half full
or fool myself into asking for more
without drowning in insecurity or doubt.

For some of us,
positivity does not come easily.
Hope is a muscle that must be worked,
and some days
I don’t have what it takes
to shake off the rust
and grab the weights.

Just as the sudden brightness of light
pierces the heavy shadows of night,
flipping the switch from despair to hope
is jolting, disorienting
and it takes some time to adjust,
to trust that things will get better.

I don’t know what crazy means
or normal for that matter
but it seems that my normal just might be
a little more like crazy
my hazy thoughts keep concocting
the vision of cocking back a pistol
pushing the cold metal barrel
into my beating chest
and letting the bullet do the rest.

For all those who’ve contemplated suicide,
tried to silence the voices inside,
for those who feel voiceless
or less than
this is for you.

For those who can’t say
how they got out of bed today
or what day it even is,
for those who live
but don’t want to
this is for you.

For those who long
to belong, long
to drown in a river of their tears
who shiver in fear
at tomorrow
this is for you.

I’ve been there too
and it’s true what they say
that the only constant is change
and, believe it or not,
you won’t always feel this way.
I know it’s hard to remember
that you’ve ever felt anything else
than what you feel right now
but you did
and you will.

My dear,
I know there is so much fear
and dread and agony
and you’d rather be dead
than drag this dead weight around.
I know you feel on shaky ground,
aching abounds in your soul
and heart
and that bell jar
is suffocating you.
But my love,
there is life awaiting you,
even though you don’t want to live it.

I can’t promise you that one day
all this will go away
and everything will be perfect.
I can’t say that tomorrow
all this sorrow will end
and the sun will resurrect.
Things may not be better right away
but they will be different,
you will be different,
and you owe it to yourself
to know who you will become.

There will still be hard days,
and clouds that stay
but then, they will suddenly dissipate.
One day you’ll laugh and not know why
and when you start to cry
you’ll laugh even more.
One day you’ll open the door
to something new, something
you haven’t tried before
and you’ll discover a different side of you.

One day you’ll feel a lightness in your step
and the tightness in your breath
will blow away on the wind
and you’ll breathe easy again.
One day you will tell someone else
“I was there once too.
Don’t give up on you.”
And one day,
you’ll look back on this and say,
“Look how far I’ve come.
Look at who I was
and who I am
and who I am to become.”

And it won’t all be beautiful,
it certainly won’t be easy
but you will see
that it’s all been part of your journey
and you owe it to yourself
to see that journey through.
Don’t let those voices
get the best of you.
If for nothing else,
keep going for you.

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